A Freelance Journalist Who Thinks She's the Female Hulk - sure you want to read this?

Until very recently, I had no idea how powerfully therapeutic exercise can be in any form. I’ve been obese for a number of years now and believe me, I’ve tried everything in the book – the diets, the exercises, starvation, bottle gourd juice, no caffeine, aerobics, sports, gym, surviving only on grapes for a month and on boiled vegetables the next – the list just goes on. I know every gym in my neighborhood, I know most gyms in the city actually and several people who run them.

The levels of stress I was under as a 15-year-old were drastically different from those I’m facing today. Back then, I didn’t have to worry about finding a full-time job or getting enough freelance work to be able to pay back the monthly education loan installment. Through the last decade or so, exercise has routinely been my worst enemy; not because I hated working out or was lazy, but because I was being forced to do it by people who genuinely care about my health but don’t quite get that nagging just doesn’t work with me. So because it wasn’t MY choice, I hated it. Under stress, I eat – and I binge eat. Obviously, I don’t binge eat celery and lettuce and sunflower seeds. I binge on chocolate, ice cream, cookies – pretty much anything and everything that’s bad for my body.

I had never planned to be where I am today and yet here I am. As I like to say though, plans have an uncanny tendency to make their own (other) plans.

There’s one other thing I’ve learned today. It is extremely taxing – physically, mentally and emotionally – to be a fighter. I don’t mean the kind of aggressive person that always gets into fights; I’m talking about the spirit to never give up or a will-not-be-defeated personality. Having such a personality, I’m realizing how tired I am of fighting right now; Fighting against circumstances, against people, against inhuman behavior, and against myself at times. I’m tired and stressed out and it shows in multiple ways. I have over 150 failed job applications sitting in a folder on my computer, an amazing grant opportunity decided not to knock on my door yesterday, I don’t have the money to get out of the city for a few weeks and head into the wilderness to recharge my batteries, my parents are paying my monthly loan installments because as a freelancer, I make peanuts.

Despite all that, for whatever reasons, my spirit refuses to put her hands up in defeat even though my body wants to. A body that is sleep deprived, has to work overtime given its weight and has more health issues now than it has ever had before. From a very young age, I’ve known what I want to do – professionally and personally – and I’ve never been apologetic about it because I genuinely believe that I would have been dangerously unhappy right now had I given in to the pressure of becoming a dentist or pursuing a career in engineering etc. Just like I’ve known what I want to do, somewhere I’ve always known that the path I’m choosing to walk isn’t going to be a lucrative one and as someone who doesn’t believe money is everything, I’m okay with that.

However, things become truly challenging when someone who doesn’t care a lot about money, is suddenly in a position in which making money needs to be relatively high on the list of priorities. Why? Because the confidence with which I applied for an education loan to go study environmental journalism at the graduate level will prove to be a lie if I can’t live up to the promises I made, my faith in the importance of informed, skilled environmental journalists in the world will be irrelevant if I can’t keep those promises.

I’ve narrowed the present circumstance down to two possible strategies – 1) Focus solely on landing a lucrative job even if it’s outside my academic and thus-far-gained professional experience, or 2) I accept that one way or another, I’m going to have to pay off this loan so it’s probably best to focus on building a sustainable, happy career based on long-term objectives and hard work, all the while managing finances to prioritize the bank first.

I’ve spent several sleepless nights wondering whether I too, like many of my undergrad classmates, should have moved on to pursuing an MBA and taken up a job at some random corporation or private company as a marketing or business executive. Every single time that question has been answered with a resounding “NO!” from within and I’ve ultimately smiled a sigh of relief and drifted off to sleep.

I turned 26 last month and that number is only going to increase so it makes way more sense to choose the second strategy. I’m going to get older, the loan’s going to have to be paid off no matter what, and so I might as well take the choke-collar off and live a little while trying my best to find a healthy balance.

This is where exercise comes in. I’ve now been back in India for a little over a year and wasn’t getting anywhere with the fitness goal until I decided I could travel next year and for now, I ought to invest in hiring a personal trainer who is quite frankly, brutal. I love that. This self-made, hard-working guy from a middle class Maharashtrian family inspires me with how passionate he is about getting results. I get that. When it comes to work, that’s how I am. It’s only fair then, that I at least match his dedication if not top it.

Then, 2 weeks ago, something changed. I re-realized that I was beginning to get inconsistent after some unexpected breaks in workout schedules. And I re-discovered the sheer exhilaration of playing badminton.

I started playing badminton when I was about five-years-old. The racket was taller than I was at the time. It quickly became my favorite sport and the most beloved extra-curricular activity, of which there were many. I continued playing till I was 16. I played at the district level, and was on my college badminton team until the social pressure of academics forced me to withdraw into an unpleasant study-induced state of coma in 2006-07. The HSC exam demon did away with a lot of my fun activities and I hated being confined to classrooms and tuition groups. The rebel in me hated it even more. Fast forward to last week. Thanks to the magic of technology, a group of people I know came into existence and we now have a regular group that plays badminton three days a week and it is hands-down the best thing I’ve done in the entire time I’ve been back in India.

Three days of badminton, three days of intense gym workouts and Sunday – that’s what my weeks look like now. Why is this therapeutic? Because I’m one of the very people on the planet (or so I like to believe) who gets The Hulk. Yes, The Hulk – the big, green superhero.

You know how he told Captain America in the first Avengers movie that his secret is that he’s always angry? That’s me.

I am always angry – angry about how people treat animals, about how uncivilized some people are, how uncompassionate and selfish people can be, about how people treat senior citizens or the homeless, about corruption, bureaucracy, scams, frauds, celebrity criminals getting off scot-free, migrants risking everything for a chance at life, racism, privilege, climate change deniers, having to swallow my pride when my parents pay off loan installments…You get it, right? Always. Angry.

But as a journalist and a communications professional, it is imperative that I exercise ultimate control over my anger – something I have learned to do very well over the years. The gym and the badminton court are where that anger is unleashed. Moreover, I’m a very competitive person. I don’t like losing but I’ve learned to take it in my stride if that’s the hand I’m dealt. That these two activities work their magic on my physical fitness is a definite advantage, but the fact that they are amazing stress-busters is what I love the most.

Things aren’t perfect right now and in all probability, they’re never going to be. But apparently, my personality is infused with a concoction of characteristics that render it incapable of ever giving up. So no matter what the situation, how bad it gets and how much my body wants to surrender, my spirit will never allow it to raise the white flag. Which is why, even in this sort-of-unemployed period under a disastrous dose of stress, I actually mean it when I say, “I love my job.” The element of satisfaction and happiness is unparalleled and being able to report global stories of environmental news value is the entire point of having taken out that back-breaking loan in the first place. So even though it may not be a traditional newsroom ‘job’, it is work that I love, respect and will do for as long as I possibly can because it makes me extremely happy.

An independent journalist, I report environmental and science stories of public interest for U.S.-based mongabay.com and am working on expanding my freelance network and portfolio. And because I’m a workaholic, I’m also pursuing an online Certificate Program in environmental justice while working on an application to an absolutely smashing PhD program at Michigan State. This program is outstanding – it’s everything I’ve ever aspired to do and everything I’ve done up to this point has been a work-in-progress towards achieving exactly this goal. This is the kind of opportunity that gives me a perpetual adrenaline rush and a chance to bring the full force of my life’s work down on this application and hit a home-run. Even today, I am clear as ever about knowing exactly what I want to do. I’m figuring out how to get there using a combination of routes and off-road paths, but that’s the journey – that’s life.

It’s like with love – when you know it’s right, you just know it’s right. It’s never going to be easy but it’ll always be worth it. (Full disclosure – I’m not the genius that came up with that last line.)

So this is me saying thank you to the incredible people who have taken the time out of their busy schedules to come play badminton for 4 hours a week and my trainer at the gym – for creating an atmosphere that neutralizes my anger and lets me get to work with a refreshed, clear and focused-as-hell brain that’s raring to go. I’m going to cook you guys something (hopefully) lip-smacking someday soon.

To those who’re reading this and wondering if they will ever meet their fitness goals, I am no expert on the matter but here’s a motivating quote I came across a few weeks ago that I read every morning and then actually feel The Hulk in me gearing up for a brutal hour of smashing, running and sweating – “If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.” 

Inquilab Zindabad - the resurrection. #girlsbeforecows

It has been almost 10 months since I've moved back to India after completing my Master's degree in journalism from the University of Montana in Missoula, MT, USA. But I am not writing this as a reporter or a journalist. I am writing this as a global citizen living in a democratic country, at least on paper. Blogging after a long, self-imposed hiatus, I was experimenting with my tolerance levels. Every time I read the paper or checked breaking news updates on Twitter and every time one of those stories angered me, I took three deep breaths and said to myself, "No. You can't be mad already. Flare up at the next one."

Ever since I have moved back here, I have experienced many emotions but the strongest, most consistent of them all has to be frustration. As a well-traveled, educated young woman living in India after being away for three good years, I find myself constantly frustrated at what is happening to my country and to the society I live in. Not only has my immune system suffered major blows since being back (thanks, pollution), but my blood pressure has also been a cause for worry. I had anticipated the quarter-life crisis but no 25-year-old girl should have a high BP problem. Even the doctor doesn't seem to fathom the mess in my mind. "What are you so worried about?," he asked. I'll tell you, doc. 

I'm worried about this society representing a mockery of the concept of democracy. We elect leaders to represent us in Parliament; leaders who have cases of rape and murder registered against them. We let religion become bigger than humanity. We kill in its name, we ban affordable food in its name, we refute scientific evidence in its name, we are constantly raising the bar for what qualifies as 'stupid'. As a global society, we are becoming shockingly and dangerously intolerant. We ban films that show reality because our government is afraid of what it will do to its image. The people sitting at the top of this political food-chain view everyday events through double-tinted glasses - UPA government-colored shade and NDA government-colored shade. 

During the last three days, while I have been sick thanks to another round of infections and the flu, two things have happened that deserve particular attention. 

1) The BJP-led (yes, that matters) state of Maharashtra's government got the President to sign and approve of a ban on the possession or sale of beef in the state. This bill had originally been proposed about a decade ago which was the last time that this party was in power in Maharashtra. For the last decade, the UPA government thought it unnecessary to enforce a ban on a meat that most people here can afford. The point that this ill-thought out ban will probably drive up the costs of other meats in the state thus affecting the nutritional intake of those who could only afford beef previously, is secondary. The main point - and the most potent - is that this was a religion-based decision. Practically everyone in the world knows by now that cows are sacred to Hindus. The problem is, India is not an all-Hindu nation and even if it were (playing along here), the decision of what to eat and what not to eat should rest solely upon the person who is going to ingest the food. In 2015, we are a mockery of democracy if the government can tell us not to eat something purely out of religious sentiment. I don't believe the Chief Minister of Maharashtra, Mr. Devendra Fadnavis has ever been forced to eat meat or to drink alcohol. I believe he has, like most of us, been able to decide what he wants to eat and when.

There is no scientific base to this decision - no cows are endangered, no diseases are spreading rampantly because of poor quality beef being circulated statewide, and no cows have turned into mutant aliens that might affect humans from the inside and turn them into mutant monsters. The ONLY reason for this decision - by the government - is that consuming beef is anti-Hindu. The reason this is so dangerous is because the body upholding religious sentiment over humanity is the government itself. The government is setting an extremely intolerant and regressive precedent. When religious riots break out and the government condemns these extremist acts as 'terrorism', we're all appeased but isn't this a form of religious extremism too?

What kind of a social, national and global precedent does that set? How do these politicians even have the nerve to refer to India as a developed country when clearly, we've got some really basic problems to solve before we can even contest for that title...Violation of civil liberties #1.

2) On December 16th, 2012, while we were getting ready to celebrate a birthday in the family, news broke that a medical student had been brutally gang-raped in a moving bus in the capital, New Delhi. This incident became the icon of a massive public protest in cities across India. The police ultimately used water cannons and tear gas to disperse peaceful protesters in New Delhi - protesters who had every right to demand a safe home, a safe country and justice against a system that had overwhelmingly failed them. Committees were made, panels were appointed and finally, the law was amended. Long story short, the public outcry forced the government to take notice and act - something governments are extremely reluctant to do. After being flown to Singapore for further treatment, India's collective heart broke when Nirbhaya (fearless, as the rape victim had come to be known), succumbed to her injuries on December 29th, 2012. Jyoti Singh (her real name) came from a modest family. In a society where girls are often looked upon as a expense sheet, her parents sold their ancestral land to pay her college fees so she could fulfill her dream of becoming a doctor. 

I won't go into details of what happened the night she was raped because you'll find that out if you search for 'Nirbhaya rape' on Google. 

Jyoti's rape and her subsequent passing forced not just India, but the world, to introspect. A BBC Storyville team filmed a documentary aimed at showcasing the rapist's mindset - which, by the way, is a mindset shared by many. Some activists were upset that the film crew gave one of the rapists an international platform because, I assume, they felt he didn't deserve this much attention for such a heinous crime. My question to the Government of India is - How do you expect to understand the psychology of a rapist/criminal if you don't actually know what they were thinking and why they did what they did? That is Problem Solving 101!

Five men and a 17-year-old boy were arrested for Jyoti's rape and murder. Of the five, one died while he was in Tihar Jail in New Delhi - supposedly a case of suicide. The deceased accused's brother is the primary source interviewed in the documentary titled, 'India's Daughter'. This primary source, Mukesh, told the filmmakers that they rapists did what they did because they believed they were teaching Jyoti and her male friend a lesson - teaching them that if you stay out late (8 p.m.), bad things will happen to you. The shocking part is not even Mukesh's statement. The two lawyers hired to defend the accused rapists express views that can stun one into petrified silence. One of them referred to women as 'precious flowers', 'diamonds' or 'food' put out on the street.

"It is up to you how you want to keep that diamond in your hand," defense lawyer M.L.Sharma said. "If you put your diamond out on the street, certainly the dog will take it out. You can't stop it. You are talking (of a man and woman) as friends. Sorry, that doesn't have any place in our society. A woman means, I immediately put the sex in his eyes (sic.)."

"We have the best culture," he said, "in our culture, there is no place for a woman."

Over the last two days, the Indian government has violated yet another civil right. Members of Parliament were shown the documentary yesterday to vote on whether it is fit for public release or not. Despite strong comments in support of its release, the overall majority ruled against releasing the film. For whatever reason, the Government of India is under the false impression that this film would taint its 'image'. I think that's already been achieved. 

The government, on March 4th, registered FIRs (First Information Reports) invoking IPC (Indian Penal Code) sections on 'outraging a woman's modesty' and 'insult to provoke breach of peace'. Apparently, the brutal, gruesome rape of a student whose intestines were pulled out of her vagina before she was thrown out of a moving bus onto a highway, wasn't enough to 'outrage' her 'modesty'.

Dear Government of India, do you seriously not realize that her modesty has/had already been outraged? A film that shows what men in India think of women and their role in society should be made mandatory viewing for all girls and women in this country. Brushing this very real problem in our society under the rug is not going to make it magically go away. I genuinely, from the very bottom of my heart, hope that you understand that. And as a woman living in India who has to look over her shoulder in grocery lines, at railway platforms, at traffic signals, bus stops and movie theaters, I strongly resent the sentiment that not talking about something makes the topic non-existent. 

We have a very real and very serious problem and we need to accept it and deal with it. No carpet is going to be big enough for us to hide all our dirty linen under. It's high time you recognize that, Government of India. As a new government in power at the Center, you could have led by example by allowing a country-wide release and screening of this documentary. Women would have felt you stand with them - in addressing this hideous problem - instead of against them. We would have felt you understand, that we stand in solidarity against a toxic social mindset that urgently needs to change. Instead of showing us you care, you showed us we don't matter. Our modesty would have in no way been outraged by the release of a film that would have made men like you shudder and question your own beliefs.

I'm sorry to have to point out the obvious, Government of India, but your actions are the 'insult to provoke breach of peace'. What you have done won't go down well with those that care about preserving the sanctity of a democracy, the sanctity of a safe home for all. Your actions are the insult you add to injury, and our reactions are (still, even today) a peaceful breach of peace if you will - a state of peace you think exists. There is no peace. No woman in this country is ever at peace. Without this mythical 'peace', what's there to breach? Trust. Dear Government of India, you've breached our trust through your inability to think straight, lead by example, and strive to create a safe haven for all. 

So dear doctor, tell me that all this doesn't worry you to your very core. Tell me you don't feel the undercurrents of an impending revolution. Tell me you don't fear the consequences of speaking the truth in a pseudo-democratic country. Tell me that underneath the superficial shell of confidence and progress exuded by our current Prime Minister, Mr. Narendra Modi, you are not aware of the many, many problems plaguing our society. Now, tell me doc, what are you so worried about?

In my mind, I see 21st Century freedom fighters in India's youth...well, at least the aware, responsible and involved youth. I see a Bhagat Singh speaking out about violence against women, I see a Rajguru secretly filming a top politician accepting a bribe, I see a Sukhdev in the form of a college student standing in line for hours after painstakingly filling out paperwork so he can exercise his right to vote and bring about change. I see a Rani Lakshmibai in every girl who insists on going to school despite opposition from her own family. Every girl who braves the threat of acid attacks and rape to challenge society's patriarchy, in single mothers who have been cast away because they gave birth to a baby girl and not a baby boy. 

The only way to ensure that the people we elect don't forget we're the ones that put them there is to hold and keep them accountable for their decisions. Even if on paper, we are still a democracy and each of us still has rights. Inquilab Zindabad.

#girlsbeforecows - It's only fair.

Update: At the time of publishing this post, the Government of India has sent a legal notice to the BBC.